Boo hoo.

Oh dear. Looks like I haven't blogged in a very long time...

To be honest, I have been kind of in a slump. I've been feeling down about a lot of thing. Schooling and discovering a career, if I even want a career. I feel like it's hard for me to pinpoint any passions or yearnings.  I go through these phases often, and feel like I really just float on, going through the motions in a lot of situations.  I am currently a Biology major, but I don't know why. I have no idea what I am doing, or if I even really like it, or what I would do with that degree. I might switch to nursing, but I don't feel like that feels right either. I feel like so many people I talk to know exactly what they love and why and what they plan to do in their life. So heartbreaking to be so lost and confused, left behind all the rest.

I also know I want a family someday, but I am worried that I will never be selfless enough to fulfill it. I get frustrated with my cats messing around the house when I am trying to work on the computer or cook, etc. Will I suddenly be more patient when there are toddlers instead of kittens knocking things over, digging in cupboards? Probably not. And it has now been six awesome years with Eric. By some miracle, there has been no babies yet. Maybe we can't have them naturally? That is a fear to look into down the road, but its on my mind. Also the fact that Eric works so hard, so much, everyday. I wish I could! I don't even know where to start. What can I do? He is so sweet and patient with me and my lack of direction. I wish I could be of more help.

And my very best friend, who I feel I just reconnected so strongly with, just left again back to school in Florida for a year. It isn't the furthest away she could be, and it's only for a year, but it is still a bummer. There aren't a whole lot of folks I feel really close to. True blue, honest ladies- women who aren't catty or jealous, or gossipy or manipulative are hard to come by. I would rather just hide away than pretend to be close. It did make me sad the other day when I was searching Main Street for a gift for Eric's Japanese host Mother that I had no one to call to meet me for a coffee and a stroll. Is that crazy? I do this to myself.

We are planning a trip to Japan, just as soon as we save up again. Hoping for January. The feeling of anonymity is so alluring sometimes. I feel like getting lost in a sea of foreign language, in a city I don't know, far from here and everything I know. I feel like it is so dangerous to never leave this small town. What a waste of life to never travel and see what else there is in the world, just because I am a scared, unconfident person.  I am so scared of death, but I am so scared of life. Eric recommend I start reading Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth, which I about to go crack open in the hammock, underneath the little scrub oak tree.

I don't feel like this all the time, but I know it's all just repressed when I am distracted by something fleeting. I don't want to be so cold. But I also want to live a life I can be proud of, and say I did what I wanted and acted the way I felt was right. My next entry won't be so boo hoo, I hope. Just a little hormonal lately, and needed to put it down for the world to read, I guess.