finding the light

 So much sadness, lately. Between my friend Emily's tragic pup story [Heather wrote about it here] and that tragic story about Juliani Cardenas and then finally, this afternoon's trek down the hill, which is mostly the topic of my entry today. I'm going to try to combat the bad energy creeping into my life by staying positive and seeking out bright side/ do good deeds/create beauty and lightness and dream, dream, dream.

Pessimism
My day started with an intense Biology class. During the lab component, I discovered some of our results were wrong. I pointed them out, much to the annoyance of my group members, and suggested we repeat the procedures. As one member and I started over, the other two sat and watched, obviously irritated and bored to tears, waiting for us to remedy our fuck up so they could go text their bffs. The results were less wrong the second time, but still not what they were supposed to be. As a sort of perfectionist, it KILLED me to not have the right results. It also just so happens to be the lab that the professor assigned our first 10-18 page "Lab Report" written as a GROUP, and it's due next week (Ughhhhhh). I wish I knew how to write one? Wasn't expecting that work load on top of my other stuff I'm drowning in. Cant wait to use any spare moments I have outside work, school and studying to meet up with these broads and work on a project. Joy!

I drove home after class, and spent the next few hours before going to Pre-Calculus trying to figure out which species of bacteria we observed hydrolyzed gelatin, and how it is able to, and how the fact that it can relates to its habitat and how the ability to hydrolyze proteins enable some bacteria to enter the body of an organism, and why a polysaccharides in a solution with HCl and boiled had a reaction, but the polysaccharide solution with HCl at room temperature didn't? Real relaxing break.

After making a quick [burnt] quesadilla and saying goodbye to my two tenders (Eric and Jules), I dragged my feet to the car to drive to Folsom to go to a class that actually makes me feel worse-off to attend. It is the one with the worst teacher I have ever had. [A sweet person, but really not cut out for teaching. Read her reviews here.] Shes very, very confusing- even to herself!

Reluctantly, I climbed behind the wheel and discovered  a huge, slow black fly hovering around. Slow flies are somehow more gross than quicker ones. I continued up and over the moguls that is our driveway. I got on the main road and adjusted the windows as the fly buzzed around, hoping to create a vacuum for it to get sucked back into the wild. I had no luck. [I think it might still be in my car?]

After a bit, I finally got to the freeway on ramp, and noticed 3 or 4 cars backing up the on ramp. Weird! I looked down the freeway and saw traffic forever, and on the horizon, flashing fire engine lights. Late for class? Today? Of course! I cruised down the on ramp, and came to where the flares were aligned so the freeway would (hopefully) merge into one lane. It was almost a standstill, and no one wanted to let anyone in. Assholes. I managed to squeeze myself between two giant SUVs and waited to move the next few inches. Slowly we crept. As more safety vehicles whizzed down the center divide, I eventually got  to the reason for the buildup.

 I first saw the sullen, and baby-faced firefighter. A younger guy with total disappointment on his face.  He hardly lifted his head as he took off his helmet, and motioned it up and down, a silent request for drivers to slow, and take caution when passing by.  More firefighters were crossing the road. None of them were moving quickly- I thought maybe the accident wasn't so bad?  I saw a fireman crouched with his arm around the back of a stretcher- I think there was a person but I wouldn't look at him/her- I just watched the fireman's face as he yelled back for Keller, another firefighter I presume. As traffic crawled further past the firetruck, I finally saw the remains of a silver sedan.
 
The front in was completely obliterated. Like a crunched up, thin piece of paper all the way to the drivers seat. My hair on my arms to my neck stood up, and my breathing ceased. I think I actually held my breath until about a minute past all of it.Instantly, I was flooded with images of my mind of what a body would like like after being in that wreck. I dont know why- I could only imagine the most mangled forms. The blood lost, the body parts that might have been strewn. Could someone survive that? I'm assuming the slow-movement of the personnel meant there wasn't anything to hurry for- a life was lost. Maybe, and hopefully I'm wrong. But I just cant imagine someone living through the tiny space that was left after the headlights met the steering wheel.

My mind raced more-was there anyone else in the car? Were there kids? Did this person, (or these people) have family? And if so, did they already know what had happened? Were they there with the victim, and were they holding their breath too, looking away from it all? Or maybe they were on their way, or worse, maybe they didn't know anything was wrong at all. Maybe they were mad that their spouse was late for dinner. Was there another car involved,  with another horrified family that was looking on that I somehow missed? Traffic was moving so slow, but I felt like I didn't take much of a the details of the accident in. How could I not even see if a person was on the stretcher?  I think I remember a human form, but....Maybe because I couldn't truly rationally bring myself to stare into what was possibly the last moments of someones life, whom I didn't know. And before I knew it was happening, I was crying.

I sobbed hard, all the way to Folsom. I dont know exactly what prompted it.Maybe its just hormones? Maybe it was it my selfishness in thinking my life is so rough before this scene snapped me back into reality? Boohoo, I have tough classes that are PAID for and I had a fucking fly in my car. WHO CARES? All of it could be gone in an instant! Maybe it was that realization that life is so short, and I don't think about it that way, hardly ever. I get so stuck in the future and what I am supposed to be doing, and how I don't know what I am doing, and stress that everyone has a path and I don't know mine.

 Maybe I was crying, imagining the  family of the person- imagining a mother with the palest face, collapsed with grief. A husband holding his child tightly, closing his eyes hard to keep his tears from streaming.  Even if this person did live- what an emotional toll on loved ones. I can only recall when Eric didn't meet me for class when he was supposed to, I got that heavy feeling. I went to class, hoping there was just a miscommunication, but didn't find him there, Finally, when I did reach him, he said he had been in an accident, and the car was totaled. I felt my blood rush around and my knees get weak, hairs on end again. He explained he was okay, but I still left school to go see him. I had to inspect him and see for sure my love was in good shape. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I've been very fortunate not to have lost many folks close to me.

Optimism
I'm home now, in the warmth of our little living room- my cat nestled into his favorite blanket, Eric next to him, sipping coffee and massaging his brain with some stimulating article ( or game review, more likely). But I am honestly taking this evening to absorb the love in my world, and brush off all of the negativity that I create in my own life. I hope to continue to enjoy my relationships and atmosphere, and try not to get too caught up in things that don't really matter.  I hope to find some peace with myself and to learn to love more often; throw out negativity that I can often find myself wallowing in. And lastly, I hope to someday feel comfortable with mortality, but for now, I just cant. It freaks me out.